The relationship between our kids’ identity and failure
The amount of grace I have been giving my kids lately is off the charts. After a particularly loud, dumb, and exhausting afternoon last week I said to them, “Look. It’s been a really bad day. Instead of giving you all the consequences you deserve, let’s try a reset. I realize the whole world is bonkers. However, even though most grown ups are demonstrating an ability to behave, we are going to rise above.” And then we blasted “Rise Up” from Hamilton and got our extra energy out.
The wild years we’ve been living in have been incredibly helpful in reminding us of our priorities and how imperative it is to equip our kids with the confidence, knowledge, and ability to speak up for themselves. In fact, with the intense hatred and division that most of the world seems to “speak up” with lately, I wish all the grown ups could all start over in learning how to communicate. Looks like we’ll have to settle for raising kids that speak with strength and love.
The whole wide world is actively trying to shape your kids- to tell them who they are and what they are worth. As their momma, you have been entrusted with stepping out in front of all that to be their first impression. The loudest voice they hear. Your kids were knit inside of you, and you know who they are better than anyone else on this Earth.
The most foundational piece to their success with communication and advocacy now, as well as an adult, is identity. Knowing who they are and whose they are will inform the way they see the world around them and, even more importantly, the role they are to play in it.
What do I say to them?
So, who IS your child? Tell them where they come from: a (national) heritage and (cultural) tradition. Claim all the God-given attributes and talents you see in them. “You are hard working, thoughtful of other’s feelings, and always have a smile on your face. You never leave a friend out and you always offer to help me. You could be a counselor, a teacher, a pastor, or a leader in business someday. Really seeing other people is a gift not everyone has!”
Calling out specifics that you notice in your child, and then painting a picture of what God might do what their gifts one day, is the most profound way to say to a child, “I believe in you.” Not, I believe in you in a tacky and meaningless, everyone gets a trophy kind of way, rather, I believe in you because the Creator of this Earth thought fit to create you this way, and I am just so lucky I get a front row seat to watch.
Last weekend, for instance, big brother and little brother competed in their respective age categories in a BMX race. Little two year old Jack smoked the 2/3/4 age group and won first place. Andy made finals, but game in last out of eight boys. We didn’t withhold praise from Jack to protect Andy’s feelings. We were so thankful to see the years of us celebrating each other for successes (rather than tearing each other down in jealousy) really pay off. Andy celebrated Jack along with us, we talked about what Andy enjoyed about the race and told him how much we love watching him pour all his energy and effort into his races.
A child who doesn’t know their value and who hasn’t been taught that their opinion and views matter by way of example, isn‘t likely to think of themselves as part of the solution. Helpless, scared, and vulnerable are their likely feelings. Entitled to the things they want/demand and victim to whatever power or constraint on them. Kids who aren’t taught their value and potential don’t readily come up with ways to insert themselves into an equation, not to make noise or solely bring attention, but to take actionable measures resulting in good. The time we are at in American history is forcibly reminding us of this. Pointing lasers in the eyes of law enforcement is a violent, abhorrent example of a young adult throwing a fit. Nothing is accomplished or achieved, and people were harmed. If concern for the welfare of black Americans is their primary motivator, a child who has been taught to be in community, share sacrificially, and value others before himself would respond in an entirely different way. What would that child be more inclined to do? Spending time in relationships, hearing their hurts and pain, rather than assuming anger. Become a mentor for children in fatherless homes, as the statistics are clear on this disadvantage. Become a mentor for young adults looking to enter the workforce, providing skills and education that don’t simply provide a meal for the night, but make way for the man/woman to honorably provide for themselves and their family.
So, that’s it? I just say some words and boom! I have a child who is ready to conquer? Umm, No. Not yet.
So, you might be thinking, are you saying I just need to build my kids up with positive thinking and affirmations and they will go solve all the world’s injustice? Not even close, unfortunately.
We build them up with words of affirmation, and then let them crash and burn to give their newfound strength a test drive. With love, of course.
When our kids are never allowed to fail (we always rescue) or never given the tools for success (coping mechanisms), they are likely to never have the confidence to (respectfully!) speak up when wronged, endeavor to try something new, or be a leader for their peers and younger kids. Admittedly, developed empowered kids vs. kids with a victim mentality in recognizing injustice and developing the courage to speak up is a tricky dance. The tipping point really all lies in who they believe they are; their sense of identity. Are they someone who can handle this? Are they an overcomer? Do they have the cooping skills for heartache or disappointment?
The thing is, giving our kids the opportunity to fail, encouraging them to try for something they won’t be the best at, teaching them to stick up for kids that are bullied or recover with dignity from being bullied themselves is some of the most loving, profound actions we can take as parents. Making best efforts to deal with difficult people (instead of retreating) and allowing them to enter situations and conversations that will prompt questions are things we can do to love them well. I want my four to be identified first as lovers of Jesus, and then people who have grit, compassion, courage, self control, and conviction. If I raise kids with grit, kids who can stay engaged in hard conversations and circumstances, I will sit in my bubble bath when I am old and wrinkly, knowing I did a job well done.
We’ve made great headway on teaching them who they are. But what if they still fail? What if I don’t teach them who to be in the right way, or in the right timing?
If we speak powerful, positive identity over our kids, and then let them make mistakes big and small while they are still safely under our roof, and they still veer off course? A one night mistake results in a teenage pregnancy. One funny prank gets them expelled from college. A season of haughtiness tanks their grades so low they can’t even get into college.
All is not lost. In fact, what a meaningful springboard for a beautiful testimony.
No matter how much we pour into our children, no matter how well we teach them WHO they are, it’s WHOSE they are that really matters the most. We don’t have endless ability to protect them because they weren’t ever really ours to begin with. Our Heavenly Father, who will always celebrate the return of a lost son or daughter, who has infinite wisdom and ability to create a beautiful life out of ashes- He is their real parent, their eternity parent. One of my favorite things about our Abba Father is we never miss the boat. It’s not ever too late. Hope is never lost.
So dream big with your kids, no matter their age. Speak life giving words over who they were created to be; who they will become. Give them space to fall, get up, and keep building strength. But don’t get so invested in their worldly success that you forget who their eternal parent is- who your parent is. When I can pull my head out of the crazed focus to parent well, look up and remember He loves them even more than I do- whew! That is a breath of fresh air. Here is your daily reminder to pause and look up. You were made for this and he will sustain you.
