Redefining Your Identity After A Toxic Relationship
As originally published in Iridescent Magazine.
I don’t know how I missed all of the signs. Jealousy, control, disrespect, lies, and constant stress dominated our relationship and yet I wanted so badly to feel loved, I stayed. I stayed through the screaming matches, dates where he didn’t show up, and hurtful accusations. It wasn’t until he lost control and picked me up and threw me onto the ground that I realized I had to get out. Love doesn’t abuse and that’s exactly what this toxic relationship had become; abusive.
Rarely while we are young do any of us have a good grasp on understanding the toxicity a relationship may hold, and the trauma that we carry as a result. As is often true with trauma, I couldn’t see the danger or red flags until I had been living with them for quite some time. I didn’t know what I had endured wasn’t normal or healthy until I had the benefit of hindsight. By then, I had allowed my partner to shame my opinions, quiet my voice and question the confidence I once had.
When I finally had the courage to protect myself by ending the relationship, my sense of loss included my identity. Over the course of the 2 years that we dated, my sense of self had eroded so deeply, I wasn’t sure who I was without him. What’s worse, I wasn’t sure I liked the person I had become. I was defensive, argumentative, and had a negative attitude. I was interacting with the world around me in such a gloomy way because I had become so insecure. Pride magnifies insecurity with the fronts such as arrogance and anger. Something had to give, but in order for my actions to change, I first had to change my thoughts and beliefs.
You are not crazy. All those things you never felt good about, or always thought something might “not be right” about the way you were treated- you had those thoughts and feelings for good reason!
You don’t need to have suffered a major traumatic event, or even have endured heavy trauma like sexual abuse to have experienced a relationship of harmful messages, emotional neglect and toxic practices. Destructive behaviors and thought patterns can quietly pass from one person to the next, until you’ve become someone you don’t recognize.
How then, do we intervene? We erase the lies and replace those destructive thoughts with truth. The Enemy is sneaky and smart and it may take some time to identify where your mind has been led astray. Don’t despair- our God is faithful and he wants you to know the truth about yourself- His truth.
Learning who I am starts with knowing Whose I am and what I am not. My Identity is in Christ- I seek to love and to please Jesus above all else. Knowing what God thinks about me is my strongest safeguard against all the evil, distraction and false narrative that comes my way.
As is often true with people who find themselves in a toxic romantic relationship, I came from a chaotic, unstable home that constantly sent confusing messages. Growing up in a toxic environment, you may have felt like you didn’t fit in or truly belong to anyone. You may have allowed lies from broken people to define you. I was constantly told, directly and indirectly, that my sister was the smart one. We must identify the lies that are causing shame and replace them with the truth from the one who calls us Beloved. I am not dumb, for the Lord gives wisdom. From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” (Proverbs 2:6)
If you find yourself struggling with remembering who you were before your toxic relationship, remember what the God of the Universe says is true about you. If you feel rejected, remember you are accepted. Shameful? Forgiven. Lonely? Chosen.
I am loved. Romans 5:8 (NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I am worthy. Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.
I am forgiven. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
I am seen. Genesis 16:13 “…You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”
I am accepted. Romans 15:7 Accept one another then, just as Jesus Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
I belong to God. Ephesians 1:5 In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.
I am chosen. 1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
My life has purpose. Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I am a conquerer. Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
I am not suffering alone. Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
I am not hopeless. Lamentations 3:20-23 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness.
